In today’s society – thanks to the prevalence of primetime TV dramas and tabloid blogs – it is not unlikely for someone to think that successful relationships are impossible to achieve and that divorce may be imminent in every marriage. But not everything you see on TV or read online is always true. The Huffington Post recently took a look at some of the most common misconceptions about divorce:
- Half of all marriages end in divorce. According to author on marriage Tara Parker-Pope, “marital stability appears to be improving each decade” since the 1970s. Many factors affect how long a marriage lasts, including age, education and income level. A study by the University of Pennsylvania found that age is the clearest predictor of divorce: the divorce rate is lower for people married in their late twenties than those married before their 26th birthday.
- The divorce rate is on the rise. Professors at the University of Pennsylvania suggest that the divorce rate has been falling over the last 25 years and is currently at its lowest level since 1970. The divorce rate is rising among those without college degrees (the “middle” class), but affluent Americans marriages are increasingly more stable, according to the National Marriage Project.
- Second marriages have a better survival rate than first marriages. Apparently those once divorced don’t necessarily learn from their mistakes. According to Psychology Today, 60 percent of subsequent marriages fail – and usually fail more quickly.
- Parents more likely to divorce after loss of a child. In 1978, author Harriet Schiff suggested that the death of child was a marital stressor and 90 percent of bereaved couples experience martial difficulty following the loss of a child. In the last 30 years, this statistic has often been taken out of context. The actual divorce rate among bereaved parents is 16 percent according to a 2006 survey by the Compassionate Friends organization.
- Premarital cohabitation increases the odds of a successful marriage. In 2003, a sociology professor at Western Washington University in Bellingham found that a woman who cohabitated with her future husband faced no greater risk of divorce, but a woman who lived with someone else prior to the eventual husband faced a greater chance of divorce.
- The U.S. divorce rate is higher than any other nation. According to the United Nations’ Demographic Yearbook, Russia may actually have the highest divorce rate with 5 divorces per 1,000 people annually (compared to the U.S. with 3.4 divorces per 1,000 people).
- Those with stressful jobs, like police officers, are more likely to divorce. Only 14.5 percent of law enforcement officers are divorced, according to a recent study in the Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology. The highest divorce rate is actually among dancers and choreographers at 43.1 percent, followed by bartenders at 38.4 percent and massage therapists at 38.2 percent.
Source: Divorce Myths Debunked
After receiving over 18 inches of snow the past two days, many Fairfield County residents are probably piling on extra clothing layers and plugging in space heaters in an effort to stay warm during the inclement winter weather.
Along with the danger of trying to stay warm by using propane, kerosene or space heaters comes the increased danger of getting carbon monoxide (CO) poisoning. Hundreds of accidental CO & CO2 poisoning deaths occur each year due to malfunctioning space heaters or improperly used fuel-burning appliances. Earlier this month, a New Haven family of nine was hospitalized for carbon monoxide poisoning after their gas furnace malfunctioned.
Think You Might Have Carbon Monoxide Poisoning?
Symptoms of CO poisoning mirror the flu – headaches, fatigue, chest pain, nausea or vomiting, dizziness or feeling faint; if anyone in the house, including pets, shows some of these signs then you may have been exposed to high levels of carbon monoxide. If you think you might be experiencing the effects of carbon monoxide, take immediate action:
- Let in fresh air by open doors and windows. It is also a good idea to leave the house – but make sure you have a warm place to go (you don’t want to stand outside and end up with frostbite).
- Contact the fire department. They will be able to find the source of a carbon monoxide leak.
- Seek medical attention. If you or someone else in your home is feeling woozy or any other effects, go to the hospital or call an ambulance. Do not ignore the symptoms – even if you think it may just be the flu or that you are being paranoid – get checked out. It’s better to be safe than unconscious.
Don’t Become a Statistic. Prevent CO Poisoning.
After you have recovered from your injuries and the leak has been fixed, take steps to prevent CO poisoning from happening again. To prevent accidental carbon monoxide poisoning:
- Do not use items to heat your home that were not intended for heating, such as a gas range or oven, charcoal grills, lanterns or portable camping stoves.
- Install carbon monoxide detectors in your house near your bedrooms. You can get battery-powered or plug-in CO detectors for $30-$40. Connecticut law requires that carbon monoxide detectors are installed in all residential homes built after 2005 and in any residences where construction renovations require a building permit.
- Do not sleep in a room with an unvented gas or kerosene space heater.
- Regularly service appliances that use carbon fuels, such as oil and gas furnaces, gas water heaters, gas powered refrigerators, gas ranges and ovens, gas dryers, gas or kerosene space heaters, fireplaces, and wood stoves.
- Do not idle your car in the garage – regardless of whether the garage door is open or shut.
- Do not use gasoline powered engines, such as lawn mowers, snow blowers, weed whackers, chain saws, pressure washers and generators, in enclosed spaces.
Related resource: 9 hospitalized from carbon monoxide poisoning
The holidays can be an stressful time of the year for everyone: rushing to get “just the right” gifts, hosting houses full of relatives and remembering loved ones who are no longer a part of the celebrations. While a fun time of the year, emotions often run high. And emotions often run even higher for divided families, who are trying to find time to spend with their children yet plan around the schedules of their exes and extended families. Scheduling becomes a nightmare and child custody becomes a battle.
Disputes between couples over who gets the kids on Christmas Day and during the holiday vacation often leads to last minute filing of “emergency” motions. Keep the following in mind:
- Settled custody arrangements and existing visitation or parenting plans are not usually altered simply because you want your children with you on Christmas. Judges expect that, as part of your divorce proceedings, you already negotiated and agreed to holiday custody arrangements. They will stick to those pre-established agreements.
- Family law judges make decisions based on “the best interests of the children.” Just because your ex normally has them on Christmas and you promised the kids an out of town trip that weekend, the judge will not order your ex to hand them over.
- Expect to spend a considerable amount of time at the courthouse. A lot of court employees, judges and attorneys take vacation over the holidays so staffing is often at a minimum. Fewer judges and clerks and increased hearing requests can mean long wait times. What is an “emergency” hearing for you (like filing a last minute plea to establish a holiday visitation schedule) may not seem as urgent for a judge.
If you do need help with a child custody or visitation matter for the holidays, seek advice from an attorney experienced in handling parenting plans and custody agreements.
Source: When the Vows Break: ‘Tis the Season for Long Lines in Divorce Court
Child Custody in Connecticut is one of the most hotly contested issues in Family Court. A judge has the authority to decide that the child live primarily with the mother or with the father based on what is determined to be in the “best interest of the child.”
Here are a few practical tips involving child custody in Connecticut:
1) Do be the primary caretaker. There is usually one parent who is primarily responsible for daytime routine such feeding, bathing, taking the child to school or bus stop etc.
2) Don’t abuse alcohol or drugs. Abuse alcohol or use of drugs will almost guarantee that the other parent will be awarded residential custody. If the abuse is extensive seek help immediately or supervised visits may be ordered.
3) Do be involved in your child’s school and activities. Attend school conferences, help with homework, attend practices, games, recitals etc.
4) Don’t disparage the other parent. Avoid at all times making negative statements about the other parent to the child or projecting your anger toward the parent on to the child. In addition, allow the other parent access to the child and follow the current court orders. Interfering with the relationship the child has with the other parent may result in the other parent being awarded custody.
5) Do follow your attorney’s advice. You hired your attorney to guide you through the process and to maximize your chances of achieving the result you want. Your attorney has been involved in these situations before; trust their experience and insight.
6) Don’t treat the as a pawn in the process. Do not send messages to the other parent through the child. Do not use the child to “spy” on the other parent by asking what the other parent said or who the other person is seeing. This puts the child in an awful position of taking sides and dividing their loyalty. Avoid making the child part of your frustrations and struggles with the other parent.
7) Do support the relationship with the other parent. You should demonstrate to the judge that you recognize the value of child’s relationship with the other parent. This may include being flexible with your time if a scheduling conflict arises or encouraging the child to spend the time with the other parent when the child is reluctant.
8) Don’t leave a “paper trail.” Impulsive rants in an E- mail or texts may show your lack of control or anger. Photos and information on social media networks such a Facebook may show your poor judgment and potential lack of parental fitness. This information is often admissible evidence in court.
9) Do cooperate with other professionals in the case. In a contested custody case Family Relations may be ordered to conduct a Study. A court may appoint a guardian ad litem to advocate for your child’s best interests. A court may also appoint a psychologist or psychiatrist. Your cooperation and your presentation with these professionals is often crucial in terms of their perception of your credibility and parental judgement. A parent should highlight their strengths as a parent rather than focus on perceived weaknesses of the other parent when dealing with other professionals in the case.
10) Don’t involve your child in other relationships. You may have moved on. Your child has not. Do not involve your child in the relationship with your new interest. The other parent remains a parent; do not try to replace the other parent and do not introduce the child to a significant other prematurely.
Please contact me to discuss child custody in Connecticut.
Even in the most amicable of divorces, children suddenly find themselves facing a lot of change: dealing with new living arrangements, spending less time with their parents or siblings, and sometimes even attending new schools. Divorce is never easy for anyone.
But there are things you can do to try to minimize the impact divorce has on your kids. Writer and divorcee Susan Orlins offers the following 10 tips:
- Tell them they are not the reason you are getting divorce. Often when parents split, kids assume that it was because of them, but that is not the case. They may have overheard you arguing about them, and are quick to accept the blame. Be clear with them: they could not have prevented the divorce – nor did they cause it.
- Don’t trash talk your ex. Even if your ex was the most horrible person on the planet, he or she is still your child’s parent, so bad-mouth comments will only make your child defensive.
- Encourage the kids to have a good relationship with both of their parents.
- Let them express their feelings. They will probably be upset after the divorce. Don’t try to force them to be cheerful. They will know when you’re being fake; let them know it’s okay to be sad.
- Be clear that you are never getting back together. Some kids may think life is like “The Parent Trap” and that they’ll be able to get their parents back together. If you know that you will never reunite with your ex, tell them that.
- Create new traditions. Since they are likely going to be splitting time with both parents, it is important to make the most of the time you do spend together. Create new rituals that are fun for them – it can be simple as having breakfast foods for dinner or going camping every Labor Day.
- Think about adding a pet to the family. Give them a few months after the divorce so they have time to adjust, and then think about getting a pet. A pet is a great way for a “new” family unit to bond – especially if everyone shares in the responsibility.
- Let them talk to a therapist. Many health insurance companies will cover counseling – check to see if yours does and find a therapist who is experienced with children. If it’s not covered, then make sure they have the opportunity to speak with someone they trust. They will need someone to confide in who is not you or your ex.
- Compromise with your ex for the good of the kids. Don’t make your kids feel like they are stuck in the middle on birthdays and major holidays. Allow them to spend time with both parents on those days. If possible, agree with your ex to celebrate the kids’ birthdays together. The more amicable your relationship with your ex, the easier it is for everyone.
- Put the kids before any new love interests. New love interests often enter the picture after divorce and kids are left feeling resentful when the new love tries to “replace” their other parent. By making it clear that your kids come first, it will be easier for them to accept your new relationship.
Source: 12 Ways to Help Your Kids Deal With Divorce
Please contact me if you wish to discuss helping your kids deal with divorce.
Connecticut Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is an increasingly familiar term, especially in contentious child-custody disputes, and its effects can be very damaging to children, families and targeted parents.
Connecticut Parental Alienation Syndrome
Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Gardner first identified PAS in the 1980s. According to Dr. Gardner, there are three main characteristics of PAS:
- It arises primarily in child-custody disputes.
- It is manifested by a child who denigrates one parent with no justification.
- It results from manipulation by a parent who vilifies the target parent
A website focused on PAS, www.KeepingFamiliesConnected.org, defines three categories of PAS: mild, moderate and severe. The most prevalent forms are mild and moderate parental alienation.
Mild parental alienation involves a parent who loses control and makes negative comments or exhibits negative behavior to the other parent in front of the child, but later feels remorse. Many parents involved in contested child-custody cases engage in this type of behavior at some point, but their heightened emotions fade and they realize that a healthy relationship between the parents and the child is best for the child.
In more severe instances of PAS, one parent will disparage the other parent to the child and manipulate the child to believe the target parent does not love him or her. The goal of the manipulation is to make the child not want to spend time with the target parent, resulting in more parenting time for the manipulating parent.
The Effects of Connecticut Parental Alienation Syndrome
Often, children affected by PAS have negative opinions of the target parent that have no apparent justification once investigated. They also express extreme and one-sided feelings toward the target parent, instead of fluctuating levels of like and dislike that more commonly occur during a divorce.
This is painful for the target parent, unfair to the child and detrimental to healthy relationships. In addition, it may cause the target parent to receive less parenting time because courts also consider the wishes of child when making custody determinations. Therefore, it is important to recognize the signs of PAS and work to prevent or stop its harmful effects.
I represent clients in divorce and Family Court related matters through out Fairfield and New Haven Counties including those who reside in Easton, Fairfield, Monroe, Trumbull, Stratford, Bridgeport, Westport, Weston, New Canaan, Wilton, Norwalk, Darien, Stamford, Greenwich, Shelton, Orange and Milford.
Please email me or call me in Stamford at (203) 356-1475 or in Fairfield at (203) 259-5251 to schedule a consultation if you and your children are the victims of parental alienation in Connecticut.